Montaigne

November 29, 2018

I read in Montaigne’s Essays about his determination to leave public life. “When I lately retired to my own house with a resolution, as much as possibly, I could to avoid all manner of concern in affairs…”

He hopes that in leisure, his mind will “entertain and divert itself.” Instead it “creates me so many Chimeras and fantastic monsters, one upon another, without order or design” that he resolves to write them down. (Quotes from Montaigne’s Essays)

This is my fate in retirement as well. I can come to no conclusions regarding all the questions that plague us all: the purpose for which we are here, the existence of God, the nature of good and evil, the presence of love, the need for faith and belief. Scripture says we are made in the image of God but when I consider the human body with its excretions, secretions, foul odors, folds, sags, wrinkles, and decay, (1) I conclude that Moses was referring to man’s spiritual dimension. Then I remember the record posted by the spirit of man and question that too. This record is one of un-Godly actions and thoughts. In that cauldron of teeming thoughts we call the human mind, are bred the children of our desires. These offspring grow, mature and enter the world through our actions, promulgating our selfish aims and spreading destruction and the hopelessness of our race. But perhaps I describe man’s intellect here and the spirit, which is the image of God, is beyond the physical layer, is pristine and everyone – even the most evil – has a spirit untouched by the wickedness of our minds.

So, like Montaigne, I sit here in repose painting myself into a corner with thoughts “that breed like mouthless Mayflies darkening the skies” (Robinson Jeffers) – until nothing is left but to paint myself with that same dark palette, merge with my gray world, and sink into my dreams.

(1) Reminds me of the Bhagavad-Gita referring to the body as the wound with nine holes….at least that’s what Emil Cioran said (journal entry Feb 22, 2021)