April 1, 2018

It is Easter.  It rained through the night and I could not sleep.  I have searched for God all my life and he still eludes me.  Perhaps it is approaching retirement or just the time of life but I am lost.  I can make no sense of my life or the world around me.  Darkness settles like a shroud and tears flow freely.  I fought this from a much younger age and now it returns with a vengeance. You may say it’s a form of depression, but I say, “open your eyes” and you will see it too.  You can choose to go through life seeing only the surface and not trying to relate it to deeper meanings.  You can live in only the present or you can live in all times and get meaning from past, present, and future.

Some say you shouldn’t focus on deeper meanings and the unanswerable questions.  I, too, put those away a long time ago.  I thought I had them buried deep beneath….out of reach.  Now, they’re back, these irreconcilable conflicts of the soul.

The world is filled with people who either do not know these questions exist or they do not want to face them when they look in the mirror. On the other hand, I will spend a lot of time dwelling on questions that I will not answer and continue a search for that which I will not find.  Maybe it’s the attempt that is important.  For now I ask for forgiveness, understanding, and wisdom but more than that…love and kindness for those close to my heart and everyone I meet.

April 15, 2018

Some respite but still plagued.  Close coupled body and soul….will there be some physical manifestation?  Then I see the real pain of a couple newly married at the Boston Marathon bombing.  Both lost their legs and big portion of their lives….probably pieces of their souls that are forever gone.  No children?  Legless in old age.  Constant pain.  How do you explain this?  Do the perpetrators revel in the chaos they caused?  Is their goal achieved?  What actions on the part of the US leads our foes to extract this vengeance?  What horrors have our agents and representatives dealt to others that leads them to harm us?  Who can know the real truth?

Then I wonder that my inner turmoil should be put on a level with someone dealing with real problems.  I want to say, “snap out of it.”  Enjoy the good life you are given.  Love of wife and children should overcome all obstacles.

So, there is a constant ebb and flow.  One day, total dismay, the next, a little less.  I can’t be a good companion when I sometimes feel I will just go silent and sit in a corner for my remaining time.  Read Ecclesiastes  to understand.

I had a vision of life that was never to be.  In this life of pain and suffering many multitudes have faced this realization.  All come into this world with hope and lose their lives to the powerful God of this earth.  Better, the next world; there should be no sadness when we depart for it.