Glacier

February 7, 1985

…..walking the floor at 2am with a blanket draped over my shoulders. I stared out the window at the winter landscape. The cattle were dark spots jostling massively for a warm place in the herd. Time flowed past me like a glacier and I could see my life’s events etched in every ice crystal. It progresses pretty much like that – you don’t see much happening, then you wake up periodically and find that you’ve moved another 10 feet down the valley and there is nothing you can do to stop or change course. if you think otherwise, well just wait.

Knowledge

May 6, 1985

Learning, when not taken too seriously offers one of life’s finer diversions. With a book and a quiet evening and perhaps a glass of wine, many doors are opened for the poor earth-bound traveler. It is ….like another planet with different physical laws or another dimension – everything here is left behind without even a memory. The wonder is to maybe stand on the nucleus of a lithium atom and see the electrons sparkling in the molecular black vastness overhead or to travel faster than the speed of light and watch yourself arrive, or to feel utter abominable alienation and receive that with respect too. This is all a part of life and as I look out over rolling green hills, I have a sense of all the lands and civilizations that went before and all those that are to come and celebrate quietly my own insignificance.

Connectedness

February 7, 1987

Schedule is wearing me down. I’ve had the flu for several days and other pains made me think of my real death, the gradual decline, preoccupation with ailments, failing body, no chance to work/play hard. But mostly, the hopelessness – quicksand with no hero to pull you out. I think of millions of people the world over who spent 30 years tilling the soil and died quietly. To what avail? And then the technology. Millions of people with absolutely no idea of the minute esoteric truths learned with a single light on a page in a darkened room and the insight, the revelation, the dawning awareness of the connectedness of all things, all events, all knowledge.

…..but still can this be all? To live and die, to leave nothing behind – to be of no consequence?

Read Ginsberg’s Journals last night. Life of searching – but what was really accomplished? The journals and books; is that enough? Very blue sky today. Pile of dirty clothes on floor in front of me.

Buck was killed by car 3-4 days ago…best dog we ever had.